When I first heard about the idea of positive thinking, I thought it was amazing. Wouldn’t it be great if people saw the good in everything and responded with positive expectations?
Then I spent some time thinking about it, following the advice … and realised that “something was lost in translation”.
The original idea was based on faith and trust in a positive outcome. In other words, when an unexpected or unpleasant situation arises, don’t give in to despair, doubt, worry, apathy and so on, but see what you can do and take action – surely something can be done to improve the situation. If not, at least don’t think about the worst case scenario.
Then came the affirmations. These are short thoughts, formulated in the present tense and in a positive form, expressing a desire or goal. For example, “My body is beautiful and slim”.
Affirmation became a tool to implement positive thinking and many saw them as two complementary elements of the same idea.
Although the individual ideas – the positive approach and affirmations – were excellent, their hybrid nullified the usefulness and value of both.
How affirmations have transformed the idea of positive attitudes
Positive attitudes in their original form are activity-based. It is the approach of winners who do not throw in the towel at the first obstacle.
But there are very few winners among people… and those others have come up with their own form of this idea: Instead of taking action, I will look at the situation positively.
The logical consequence was to cover the real problem with a layer of positive perspective that was supposed to make you feel good.
This is where affirmations jumped into the story. They have become a hallmark and a handy tool to carry out this task.
The first obvious difference with the original idea is the different approach. Affirmations are based on instilling a (mostly new) thought, whereas the original idea is based on real faith and trust and finding a solution.
So, instead of rolling up one’s sleeves in the hope of a favourable outcome and asking what one can do as soon as possible to help resolve the situation, affirmations give the person the incentive to remain passive and take a “positive” view of the situation. At the same time, she harbours the false hope that she is doing good for herself, or at least that she is solving or at least in control of the situation…
The difference in the final result is more than obvious.
If we don’t pick up a hoe and start digging up the weeds when we see an overgrown garden, the situation will not sort itself out, but will at best get worse over time. We can say to ourselves all day long ‘My garden is beautiful … My garden is beautiful …’, as the American Tony Robbins so vividly described the matter, but it will not make us happy or give us a beautiful garden.
Similarly, if we look in the mirror and say to ourselves “My body is beautiful” or “I accept my body unconditionally in all its forms”, but in reality we may not even be able to bear to look at it.
Or when our partner starts drifting away from us and we tell ourselves, “My marriage is wonderful and getting better every day.” These are all excuses and justifications to camouflage the real problem and remain passive.
Feelings don’t lie …
The second thing is that we cannot actually lie to ourselves. If a person who resists looking at his own fat body tells himself how great his figure is, he will feel even worse because every sentence he utters will only evoke – and thus emphasise or reinforce – his true relationship with his body.
In this case, the conscious thought we want to believe and the actual state of affairs clash. When a person says to herself “My body is beautiful”, a voice in her head will say “No, it’s not! And you know it! Your body is far from beautiful!”
The result is the opposite of what we are looking for. The more times we tell ourselves “positive thoughts”, the more we reinforce feelings of shame, guilt, despair…
Unfortunately, the theory that if you just repeat a thought to yourself enough times, you’ll master it, doesn’t work. Or it works only to a very limited extent – only when it comes to unfamiliar or neutral things that we want to build an attitude or view towards.
In this case, there is no opposite pole pulling the cart in the other direction, so we can gradually form a specific position within ourselves.
When there is an opposing force at work, positive thinking is unlikely to be enough. That is when we need a stronger tool to challenge ingrained, often subconscious, beliefs.
At best, by persistently repeating a positive thought, we can become indecisive or numb to the situation. It’s like a paw on the wall that gets on our nerves for a few months, but then we get used to it.
So we go into an apathy-like state of building a wall between ourselves and the problem. Or we sweep the issue under the doormat and pretend that nothing bothers us.
But even this happens quite rarely. Dr Lipton said that unconscious or subconscious patterns are a million times more powerful than conscious efforts, and that they work ninety-five percent of the time. Time and again, even in interviews, he says very directly that “positive thinking” does not work.
The right approach
I have found that there is only one right approach to dealing with a situation.
We need to detect a change or notice that something unusual has started to happen, acknowledge it and start looking for a solution right away. Sometimes you can do something immediately, sometimes you have to wait a little longer or ask someone for advice. In any case , action is needed, not prevarication or rubbing your eyes that nothing special is happening.
In some, rare cases, this kind of proactive approach will lead to the conclusion that nothing can be done and that the best action is simply to have faith and trust in a good outcome.
But “positive thinking” is not a shortcut to this step. Firstly, because this kind of situation is the exception rather than the rule. Secondly, because this situation is the consequence or result of an active search for a solution, not the original (and/or only) approach to solving the situation. And thirdly, because we actually believe in a favourable outcome – that is why we try to seek a solution; unlike “positive thinking” where we try to substitute activity with affirmations, or to reach a favourable outcome through affirmations.
But I noticed something else. In this situation, when I was not doing anything, I sometimes got the feeling that I was not putting enough energy into the solution; that I was sitting with my arms crossed instead of doing something – anything – towards a positive resolution of the situation.
When I realised the extraordinary message of “Solomon’s Tomatoes” and realised how pressure can even kill a life, I took a new approach. Every time I feel tempted to intervene in a situation, but I am not sure whether it will actually promote a favourable outcome, I ask myself, ” Is there anything I can do that would undoubtedly work better than doing nothing?”
Very often I find that I can actually help best if I stay out of the situation …
The positive side of affirmations
Affirmations are useful because they have helped me many times to feel good or to maintain a positive attitude.
However, precise rules must be followed.
The most important thing is this: affirmations work when they are used as a reminder of a specific belief, idea, attitude … that we have built up inside ourselves beforehand.
So we use them not to change a point of view, but merely to maintain or reinforce something we already hold dear or believe in.
If the affirmation does not support our current belief, it is likely that we will need to change it first. This can be done through finding new facts, through validation of the idea in practice, through testimonials from people who support the new belief, and so on.
In certain situations, it is enough to change or adapt the affirmation.
I remember a story by Thomas Keller, in which he gave a very vivid account of his experience. Keller was a very poor student and repeated every second year of primary school. The school psychologist suggested that he try the affirmation “I am clever”.
He says it worked for a few hours until he could consciously call to mind certain learning successes. After a while, however, his mind drifted to the realisation that despite everything, he had failed four classes in primary school – alone among all the people he knew. And “positive thinking” was no longer helping …
Then he asked himself how he could have formulated his thought differently. He said to himself, “Whenever I set out to learn something, I did.” This thought made him feel good, because it was based on truth, but at the same time it hid the message that he was clear.
And every time he told it to himself, he could connect with it and awaken positive feelings about himself.
Two key steps to using affirmations correctly
This is the correct approach to affirmations. First, we need to build and conquer a belief in which we firmly believe. Then use the affirmation as a reminder, connecting us again and again to the core belief or returning us to the basic idea, which always carries a strong charge.
In this case, we will systematically reinforce a conviction that will at some point become so strong that it will defy even opposing views.
In addition, the process of repeating affirmations will not be strenuous or perceived as an obligation. The more times we say the affirmation to ourselves, the better we will feel. The better we feel, the more inspired we will be to relive that energy again and again.
If we approach the process correctly, other perceptual forms and sensations will join the words spoken: we can imagine a picture or film that embodies the affirmation … hear sounds … relive pleasant sensations … recall similar feelings from the past, and so on.
After a while, the very thought of affirmation can suck us so much into this inner world that we can lose ourselves in it – and in the pleasant sensations – in a matter of seconds.
That is the purpose.
This article is based on the book “The Big Ugly Crisis”, by Boris Vene and Nikola Grubiša.